I haven’t been myself in quite some time. I felt like I forgot who I am, what I enjoy doing, and what actually makes me happy. It was as though I was watching a stranger live through my daily routines, but not having an opinion on her choices.
I used to write quite a lot. So much so that I kept journals by my bed, in my purse, in my car, just in case I had an idea. I would keep Word open on my computer so I wouldn’t lose the thought while opening it up. I would gift my friends a story for their birthdays, and I would write anonymously online whenever I had the chance.
And that brings me to today. I’ve decided to redo the theme for my blog, at least for the next year, to “While You’ve Been Gone”. My boyfriend Lenny is in the Marine reserves, and was just recently activated earlier this summer in order to be sent on a deployment. I haven’t seen him since the Fourth of July, as he is currently at training. I don’t know when I will get to see him next, but when I do, it will be for a short time. Later this year, in the fall, he will go overseas and be on a deployment for about seven months. I decided to dedicate the time he is away to fully focusing on myself: I want to almost reinvent who I am. Except instead of reinventing, I want to rediscover and really take ownership of my wants and needs.
I’ve been making up so many excuses to not work out, to not write, to not see my friends, to not clean, or try new things for a fear of failing. I need to start taking responsibility and start taking action instead. So this blog is dedicated to myself, and for making note of all my activities, fears, accomplishments – everything – while Lenny is gone. I’m hoping that through this experience I will learn about what really makes me happy, what I wouldn’t mind avoiding, and what I want to make sure I keep doing even after Lenny returns.
Lenny is the kind of person that would never hold me back: not from anything. But with him being gone I figured it was the perfect opportunity to fully immerse myself in me. So, step one: I’m going to start writing again.
The biggest thing I want to work on for this next year is not letting the fear of failure hold me back anymore. I want to find happiness in my daily routine. I also want to take chances on everything. I still vividly remember a teacher of mine from college telling me to submit my screenplay to festivals. I ignored him, thinking he was just being nice. I didn’t believe it was something I could accomplish. That same professor also recommended that I try out to be a director for a play on campus. Again, I made up an excuse to miss the audition, all because I didn’t believe I was good enough in the first place. These two decisions loom in a deep regret that I carry with me daily. I don’t want to feel that anymore.
So here’s to writing again. To working out, to eating balanced. To trying new things, and letting go of the ones who hurt me. To seeing movies alone, and not saying no to adventures. I’m ready to be me again – it’s been awhile.
Lots of love,