I’ve been in quite the funk, if it isn’t too obvious. I’m trying to find the slivers of motivation to work out, to finish cleaning my house, to organize my pantry, replace my comforter, and to finally… buy a printer. Instead I’ve been drowning myself in Law and Order: SVU episodes and spending my time in the same spot on my [rather large] sectional, eating sunflower seeds and telling myself that I’ll start on my life tomorrow.
I saw a trailer for The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society earlier this summer, and I have since been awaiting the arrival on Netflix. I knew it was coming out in August, but for some reason I got it in my head that it wasn’t being released until much later in the month. To my surprise, I clicked through Netflix tonight and came across the movie – the first one waiting for me in the “New Releases” section.
First off, I believe Lily James might just be the most heavenly person on the Earth. I think she has done a fantastic job in her films, and I especially loved her in Cinderella. I’m still kicking myself for being in London and missing her role in Romeo and Juliet. Second, I love anything to do with London – I’ve always been rather drawn to it, especially since I got to spend a summer there in college. And third, I adore a great love story. I got just a few minutes into it and sent a text to Lenny saying:
I’ve been watching a love story movie that I’ve been waiting to see. Probably a terrible idea. Makes me miss you.
To be completely open, I’ve been a bit of an emotional mess lately. Someone said to me the other day, “I don’t know how you do it.” They were referring to my relationship with Lenny. I’m not sure if I come across as that strong of a person who is able to take on anything, but if so, I must be a pretty good actress. It’s been taxing. I go to sleep in a bed that’s too large for one person. I find myself at the grocery store still trying to shop for the treats or meals that Lenny enjoys, and instead of stopping myself from getting them, I make the purchase anyway and have it for myself, pretending a piece of him is at home. He used to be my alarm clock in the morning: that crazy man would get up at 4am and come wake me up when it was time for me to get ready for my day. Now I get to wake up to Britney Spears singing “Work Bitch”, and I don’t even get to enjoy the morning cuddles. It’s just an empty pillow next door.
Having a significant other on a deployment has a million different challenges: those bad days at work that used to be a phone call away from getting better have turned into a bottled message, sealed shut and buried deep. My emotions have sky rocketed: I went to a cycle class on Saturday with my friend Katelyn, and the instructor played a song that had a lyric that said, “Everything will be alright”, or something along those lines. She told us to bow our heads, and close our eyes… and I never thought I would have any sort of emotional undoing with a seat wedged into my pelvis, but thank god I was sweating so much that my tears could blend it with my face. And the worst part is, I can’t tell this to my person: he’s not too far away currently, but he’s mostly unreachable. And when we finally do get to talk, I’m trying to remain positive and supportive, something I find myself needing to work on. Which is why I’ve turned to writing. I’m hoping that by expressing myself and releasing all these emotions, I’ll be able to bring joy into the other aspects of my life.
So, tonight I watched a movie I’ve been longing to see, and I wasn’t disappointed. I cried a lot, which is the normal for me – movies have that effect on me. But I also felt a tinge of inspiration, following the floodgates of emotion. There’s a variety of characters in the film that made me want to write more, express myself further, and to be a positive change in the world. It almost reminds me of Hamilton:
Legacy? What is a legacy? It’s planting seeds in a garden you never get to see.
I don’t believe the goal of leaving behind a legacy is so awful, because a garden is a place many others can enjoy. But I’m not looking to fully dedicate my life to leaving behind something, so much so that everything I love gets left in the rear view: I just mean that I want to leave joy in the places that I go, and practice being compassionate, loving, understanding, and helpful. I get these moments of being annoyed or frustrated, and I take them out on others so easily. I look back on those moments so soon after and begin to hate myself for such a relapse. I spend so much time on negative energy that I feel as though I’ve turned into a person without hope. But instead I want to try and focus on the positive things, and rally the different parts of myself to find the courage to both try and to fail.
I realized I’ve barely written about the movie. But I think if you want to watch something that will warm your soul, I highly recommend it.
What do you know, it’s 12:30am and I’m still awake – but hey, what’s new? Time to add a new goal to my list: stop going to bed after midnight.
Lots of love,